daybreak

sculpting water

2010-12-13T00:06:00.002-05:00

lightly deigning an alternate
a binary star system of twists
in a gentle waltzing spiral
slip-streaming past impressions

interfuse

2010-12-12T23:58:00.000-05:00

the fastest deliverybird
concrete as thunder
slowed by mini bid rust
of an electric heartbeat

non compos mentis

2010-09-10T20:32:00.002-04:00

I’m looking forward to seeing young and established galleries showing weird young artists with nothing to lose, making art that they know no one will ever buy, and in the process fearlessly stumbling onto the next big thing, whatever the hell that turns out to be.

saut dans le vide
jump into the void

not sure if there is a whole lot to say
but there is a lot on my mind

like how I feel familiar and new all over again.
and its so perfect to be this creature
what more can I ask

2010-09-06T21:16:00.002-04:00

2 am summer night

I'm screaming out Fuck That
Not sure where my head is but contemplating any sort of escape.
anything that will earn me enough to get the fuck out of here
obviously what I'm considering has no sort of longevitude to it at all
but cash... is needed

& the beauty was the beauty of everything

2010-08-20T00:22:00.002-04:00

Throughout my logical framework of sensibility is the mystic, snaking it's way through reality. Forgive me, but I've turned you into a magickal voodoo ghost that counterparts my actions and desires. Despite the in pulse, I actually need nothing because Dreamerging &// that shifts into me, shapeslithering into consciousness.

It's a colour that I can't describe

2010-08-07T20:00:00.003-04:00

Ambition, tearing out the heart of you
things are going well but time is standing still and the days slip out of my head like lost threads of hair, falling, falling out. We will not be the first, we won't. Am I sharpening? I cant shake off this artistic sensibility endlessly researching, endlessly interpreting, endlessly discovering, endlessly searching, endlessly always /reinventing the wheel
I'm shaking hands with a hurricane/

I've actually erased a lot that I've been through

2010-07-20T23:00:00.003-04:00

this an old line, but I keep saying it. perhaps to make it true, or maybe I just continuously forget it.

"and to those particular few who won't even read this... I will outrun you. I will outrun your lazy outlook to life. Because, the children of the enslaved, they grow a little faster"

Just just might b ok

2010-07-11T01:08:00.003-04:00

Old draws. Old snaps. Old happys. Frustrative. As if they never existed or as if they never ended. Memory clear like prescribed vision.

New tunes. New faces. New happys. It is though, somewhat incomplete and not as blindly blissful, choking on the impending necessative independence.

Oh k.
Tight curls, check.
Graviational glance, check.
Wild spirit in hand, check

Might be all we need

2010-06-13T02:41:00.001-04:00

Like the wolf you
kissed the corners of me
in your begging.
Instinctly knowing and
touching a spot of
regurgitation in
my uncontrollable love.
Left me,
choked out of words
for you, robbing their power.
Gorging yourself,
eating my concerns,
digesting the arguments.
Slowly turning
my thoughts to shit,
rotting through meat
of everything I tried to tell you.

He's lost in the wilderness, He's lost in bitterness

2010-06-01T23:40:00.007-04:00

Beneath rippling glass
floats all of me.
And you dredged up
all the worst things,
miles of underwater
drowned desperation
brought forth.
I had to kiss each siren
and then take her in.
Luring me with
little monstrous hopes
but it is a deception,
uncatchable and
unretrievable.
I let them go.
Upon the reflection,
I've must have left this
mental minefield.
No longer
feeling familar fear
shipwreaked my soul.

Catch the beat

2010-05-27T23:05:00.003-04:00

Of course not really moving on

you've dreamt this was right as I wait for the dream that proves you wrong.
I'm not much of a storyteller.

[[Def not as chronic as E.]]

Our success is inevitable

these endless
heart trading molecules
victoria, paciente
si [no de]
semilunar calls
i n need desperate
hospitiblization
concurrent
seperate fiebre
maybe the only cure
open me/you surgery
connective issue

Moving on now

2010-05-11T22:59:00.002-04:00

Hitting the opera soon. Both versions. Should be super fun stuff.
Also, being happy is not as hard as it seems.

Sir S the fretful, I think I already miss your valued place in the nest of vipers called a workplace.

No wolf dreams lately?
Anyway I have discovered the beautifit of Rih

We opened up a cold case love
And it got the best of us
And now prints, pictures & white outlines
Are all that's left at the scene of a crime

What is true

2010-04-24T23:49:00.004-04:00

My heart is writing love letters,
my brain however cannot write ATM so....

In the side mirror I can see a pale, empty sky
A butterfly roaming through a field of rye
And my frozen dreams

The flawless future I held close
Has no right ending
I may stumble, but I don't have any regrets

So, you don't have to kiss me & say good night
Unable to paint tomorrow, I've been left behind
Does anyone care if I cannot say goodbye?
I've lost my voice, all I can do is stand still
All I can do is stand still…

Borderline sugar high

2010-04-23T22:18:00.002-04:00

I feel like I'm slowly slipping into an allergic reaction.

Nothing ventured nothing gained.
I created this blog as a way of mediating
empty verbal space
written inner monologue
edited flooding apparent
this is made possible by
strong sense of disconnect.

and when there is nothing left to pretend

2010-04-18T21:37:00.003-04:00

I think last night I proposed amongst a nest of laundry the sort of foolishness I contemplate harshly.

I will
endlessly

triple
bubblebaths

midnight
paydays

not ugly
just betty

You make very smart work

2010-04-16T22:40:00.004-04:00

I think today was sucessful

it pleases me to help him sleep
I recieved a grand compliment today
I still have half a cheesecake for my father
who will return soon
kickass was indeed kickass
and last night for an hour
I drew like drew.

I felt glaciers move and
For a night my sun refused to shine
the next day he was devasted if he couldn't
not really sure what to say about that
but it's like "anticipating
each flicker of an eyelid,
each gesture of his hand,
each flick of a finger,
the moment before it began."

Kissed your lips and I tasted blood

2010-04-14T19:35:00.003-04:00

The twists of the branches above
uncontrolled locust grove
I peer through with numb eyes
an onslaught of remembered embraces
simmering summertime
trying to shake off this
potent bluesy sky
I'm not sure why I am
feeling destroyer
Godzilla explorer

Buying Time, Knee Deep in Oranges (Muse Contract)

2010-03-02T09:58:00.002-05:00

to a spectre who guards
my sleep
& loves me with
ethereal hands.

I think now maybe the time to start defining and to write a contract with myself as so what I want and what I achieve remains homeostaticallied.

to be tracking art, love and money guardedly watching the beginnings of shifts.

Déjà vuedly returning to quiet nights of whispered hopes, plans...//
whilest experiencing more h o p p i neseje

Harmonies of a kind he'd never imagined sounds would create

2010-02-01T01:31:00.003-05:00

We've whispered secrets
so monumental
it makes bits and hearts
go flying,
a hunger to metamorphisis
all my romanticism swept up
into the tangiblity of not yet real
but quite possibly a dream.

When Mail Man got his time he shot birds at the judge.

2010-01-28T13:00:00.002-05:00

Say you wanna get in
And then you wanna get out
When you get the money
To buy yourself a castle

There is so much acid on these pages,
I can't restore our chemistry.
And you say the past is past
ah but the persistence of memory

Does that mean I am now

se bast
ion con
san g
re en

mis ven
as de
un de
men te

osesionata osecion o sction

high lera ious

she said the last word with such sudden violence

2010-01-12T10:18:00.004-05:00

I'm feeling exhilarated,
Can I outrace you,

I didn't know that Cheshire-Cats always grinned; in fact, I didn't know cats could grin

vocal uzi

2009-11-18T23:08:00.002-05:00

hrm.

paper, [3 pg]
separate proposal, [1]
painting. large, [2]
several drawings. small, [30ish]
quiz,

I really really want to make ice cream.

Put on your brake lights, you're in a city of wonder

2009-10-18T01:38:00.002-04:00

dreaming premonitions
and my reflexes are dulled
retreating to the only home I have
desde un gran mujer
me conoces, pero no tan bien
night caressing our [ca]rotted carino
the venom is coiled in drawing
milked out, mi torre gemela
I dream! Aches as if I were
Ender, crushing, but you
would never understand that

otherwise noted,
chaos and deception and force
thank you for being with me

xabi alonso

2009-08-04T16:37:00.003-04:00

on the thirteen day, everything exploded. I asked myself, how can I help myself, stop this unavoidable love?

its different from the sheer fearlessness of living for oneself.

Birds flying high
You know how I feel
Sun in the sky
You know how I feel
Breeze driftin' on by
You know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me..
And I'm feeling good

blueberry boy bait

2009-07-25T21:49:00.003-04:00

mostly misdemeanoring

m,
I think
I may have tripped

it happened today.
vulnerable again you know?
I'm in control but spinnin

weaving webs of webster
all we'll ever have is now

Red Queen's Hypothesis

2009-06-30T03:37:00.003-04:00

your hand in mine

2009-06-13T02:29:00.003-04:00

chanel [dasilva] said that [trey] teaches us to be our most uninhibited dancers. its pitchblack, I am sweating through my shirt and pulse is through the roof, dancing uninhabited. the movements express the sound.

I move retrograde,
you have substituted.
I ruminate,
you swallow.
The seeds have gone
straight to your
amygdala.

three longtime friends from West Texas

2009-06-11T03:44:00.000-04:00

All of a Sudden I Miss Everyone

2009-06-11T03:41:00.000-04:00

Innocence, was largely out of tune

2009-06-11T03:38:00.001-04:00

total silence to total violence

2009-06-11T03:09:00.004-04:00

Dulled down and lost with all it's charm

2009-05-30T00:48:00.003-04:00

All is approached divinely.
I read the romance fiction books
Which are exactly the same as any romance fiction books
Except the protagonists pray and go to church
Which makes the floor fall out from beneath my small feet.
(Some unknowing vortex I could never solve)

summers are useless... I think
except to dedicate to jobs
and to only ever become awesome
initially or in ending

I don't miss the mosquito infection
but I did like the floor and the porch
I ate and coughed up some moldy bread
and my ear bled out in the night
watering and downing penicillin
clinging to the sides of bottles
Parlami come il cielo con la sua terra

She's right I'm in my own world
Just listening to my silence
There is a very hard violent thought
Just fighting with my spirit

il bel far niente

2009-05-19T18:57:00.004-04:00

or l'arte d'arrangiarsi

or art is more fun with friends.

bird in the sack

2009-05-18T22:29:00.000-04:00

Spoiled. That's all it's about - can't live without this, can't live without that. You can live without anything you weren't born with, and you can make it through on even half of that.
-Gloria Naylor

air saturation strategy

2009-05-16T15:20:00.003-04:00

I have a bad habit of giving things away.
without taking proper photos of them.

An old gift
& at the time I couldn't have it around me.
long arms and weird colors that somehow help
{I suspect that is another habit}
like coffee
and drawing on the back of my left hand
and curly hair
(even when its straight, it curls)

I've seen all the demons that you've got

2009-05-12T00:50:00.005-04:00

opening letters.

When we shared leopard spots,
you gave me rosettes
but now my shoulder is a little bare
turned to show only bone.
Jumbles of jesters,
are you jubilant, pariguayo?
Hambre que espera hartura
no es hambre.

Mi torre gemela, alive
only in the cityscape memory.
Painted with black ink
to forget futures,
his plunging stock
in heavy pot smoking over.
Amaría, but antivenoms
do not reverse damage already done

I'm doing it wrong, singing along

2009-05-12T00:20:00.003-04:00

life is pressing on me from all sides

I don't mean that in a negative way. Being alive, is not just a simple catalog of what you do and where you go and what you say. A huge part of it is the incomprehensible emotional experience of dreams, ideals, thoughts. That's what I'm living right now. A nonlinear mind state of everything. Fantasy existing alongside reality, because that is my mental reality.

Obviously its not a physical reality, but even the sensory has its drawbacks. An ideal is so attractive, it becomes something of a shaped perfection. Its what makes hope such a strong force, guiding ambition and achievements. For me, every artwork has something of a dream idea starting it. Typically, the seductive ideas don't resemble the physical counterparts at all, but that isn't a problem. The ephemeral spark can be appreciated in the same hand with the flame.

sparkles shine into so many directions that it would take multiple lifetimes to follow each singularly.

but each sugar crystal is as delicious as the next.

so close to something better left unknown/ I can feel it in my bones

2009-05-09T20:20:00.000-04:00

Get out of bed. Resistance is futile. Wake up and assimilate the day.

yesterday&day b four were pretty much amazing.

let stand 5-10 minutes until microbubbles clear

2009-05-05T12:58:00.003-04:00

I woke up dreaming
eyes closed but still hearing
tiny pinhole camera solargrams
and preliving parts of parties

vivid dreams.
of cameras
photos, thinking if my color film is expired
then I can develop it in black and white
with caffinol

making and baking a lot lately.
made vichyssoise
dried strawberry macarons
father's spaghetti carbonara
chicken noodle soup, scratch

Cause I'm Ten speed

2009-04-23T05:30:00.003-04:00

Believer, you'll leave her, in leaving them all
No but I don't buy it
Like anything you do, as anyone you are

I drew and I drew and I drew I felt my name was drew.
At first it said no and then was like, alright. Draw.
And it just spilled out.
I feel like the dancer that has been touched by god
the day after.

maybe I should explain another way.
I have been faced with many walls lately and I keep going. I keep going because going is all I've got left, it is all I know right now. and I keep going and working and going and it is overwhelming for a drawing to tell me,
"angela, I understand. I can see how hard you are working. don't worry, I got this."

I'll admit. I cried. I cried it drew itself so well. So happy and so tired and so overwhelmed.

existential qualities of working retail

2009-04-20T22:19:00.006-04:00

[why is this here? who put it here? how did it get here? where does it go?]

my dad is fifteen hours away. not metaphysical time, not driveable time, but in backwards and flyable time. its not something that is tellable. I can't explain how this isn't the first time he's gone there, and I don't and I do remember. I remember the phone calls. Him reading stories to me over the phone

the worry the worry the worry
and the responsabelit.

2009-04-16T17:47:00.004-04:00

Today we went to jackson fine art. Yukari pointed out every opportunity to spot tone, while I deciphered what the photos were of. I brought double chocolate cream puffs of course. TA mentions iles flottantes but compared them to being like creme brulee, wrong-like. There was the perfect secret place and the finest details and a really awesome aunt from a family of talkers with adorable children and an adorable house [isn't that usually how it goes?].

it... confirms what I want to do.

your body bared against the once more winter

2009-04-09T14:44:00.002-04:00

I have made many friends and I have lost many friends. Army brats tend to relocate often, but my experience was atypical. My father consistently managed to extend his assignment orders so that our stays would last seven or eight years compared to the more usual move after move after move. As a result, I grew up with the knowledge that everyone around me would probably not be there in a three years. All of those friendships that I made; they broke very easily when faced with thousands of miles.

I realize that on some level, I have broken these friendships willingly. It takes courage and determination to maintain a level of intimacy despite entire oceans of distance. That was the original context of this project. As I was working on it, my best friend of three years did something that I felt overcame the confidence of our relationship. Her act resonated with me so strongly that I ran away. I am still running and erasing and trying to escape every memory of her.

Is it removal or something more?

2009-04-08T01:13:00.002-04:00

I'm enjoying a lot of things. Rare faces with bright smiles and soothing voices. Races during twelve minute breaking running right into a textiles critique. Printing at the rate of 1 print every 77 minutes. poems in the form of text messages at twelve twenty.

mostly I'm enjoying working hard from seven to twelve.

"Never again!" -- is a noble sentiment, and not a reflection of reality

2009-04-05T22:06:00.005-04:00

Everything was interpreted: words, gestures, attitudes. Sadness was a sign of spiritual confusion, joy a sign of individualism, [while] an indecisive point of view indicated a petty bourgeois intellectualism.

In the forest, at night the floor lit up while rzn recounted to me the tale of her father crossing fields of bones, of her grandmother's feet getting infected from dead bodies underneath. We passed graveyards, trespassed multiple times. My arm looks like a bear swiped it. If only we were able to steal that sign...

konlaenh choul min dael chenh

Read the sharpened lines

2009-04-03T23:13:00.003-04:00

If you should see the dice, charmed with
It’s snaked choked eyes
You’ll wear the widows weeds
Because they’re just your size

I'd say, that's about what he looks like naked too.
and you drew it.
so... I hope its fucking worth ruining our friendship.
because I can't wait forever for your ears to clear.

this, imo, is the only true/and acceptable interpretation format of an envelope drawing, a drawing that contains a visual convention that delivers a specific message, along with an actual written message to express your internal frustrations.

day zero zero one

2009-04-01T03:40:00.002-04:00

in the spirit of Jedediah Caesar, who gave a really entertaining and interesting artist talk today during life draw

oh how could they be liars

2009-03-30T21:52:00.002-04:00

this song is on repeat.
and while I wish it weren't,
its also somewhat appropriate.

oh no!
how can you stand it
when i run, when i run like a bandit
i wear him like a habit
in the lining of my jacket
and oh my gunpowder
is an emergency
i must battle without her
she is surely killing me

this won't make any sense

2009-03-30T21:11:00.003-04:00

pesce intero al forno in crosta di sale

or iles flottante

or abusus non tollit usum

You tell me that you've heard every sound there is

2009-03-26T00:55:00.004-04:00

the last couple of days have been intense. I feel like I'm learning the fringe aspects. presentations and conception of concepts. I look forward to it. This backbreaking pace is stressful, but it keeps me open to learning and stealing information anywhere everywhere. The granite show, artstroll, next crit, figuring this stuff out/ its going to be great.

my dad asked me what this piece is about. I couldn't really explain it to him. its interesting on how it evolved and how it came to its form versus the other five or six versions that are radically different. its odd and grown alot, [and framing it makes it so amazing to me, love love love] but essentially about multiplication. /I won't let this happen to my children/ I have a lot thoughts that I'd rather not impress, because coming up with your own idea is more natural. at its worst, its a fantasy land. drawn in a fantasy style. in a fairy tale styled frame.

Another road where maybe i could see another kind of mind there

2009-03-19T08:54:00.003-04:00

my impressions of a twelve hour [midnight midpoint] darkroom run
it seems pretty incredible that I'm willing to commit that much time to photo.
I think photos can sense desperation.
Upon sensation, they do their best to fail.
My best indicator that I should move on is when I print the photo and it looks worst than the last one.
its kicking my ass. Solidly. Snake style.

regular salary

2009-03-13T00:36:00.000-04:00

this is my do to list:

shoot 1 roll of film
process film
make 1 contact sheet
print 4 prints
buy gator board
mount prints
work on 4 hour draw
work on 12 hour
work on various other draws
work on printmaking side personal project

since the four hour is not a self portrait but instead a drawing of animals and what they do, soo.... I thought I wouldn't draw lily. I don't really want to draw what she does, which is run really fast and lick me a lot.

Instead we took Mr. Boots from his cage and and I drew him for a long time as the five of us + botas sat in the living room and just talked. And I'm going to guesstimate the time as being 3 hours, but it might have been longer. For obvious reasons, I was really happy to have gotten that much of the required draw out of the way [on THURSDAY!, and out of the way early]. Also I totally did a victory dance yesterday when I printed 4 contact sheets and they came out totally A-making.

I'm generally a really terrible procrastinator who does everything the required length but at the very last possible hour so I'm trying to kick the habit.

Sorry, new 217

2009-03-11T01:09:00.002-04:00

I realized that this wasn’t exactly normal when I reached the point where children could scream on end and I could tune it out to where it wouldn’t bother me. Like when Anthony starts talking video game statistics and I would only hear the first and last word he said and the rest of his droning would be mysteriously unheard babble talk. Sandra would throw a fit and once I got mad at her fighting with the other children that I took her up to her room, locked the door and let her scream. I let her scream and I tuned it out. She got mad at me and I tuned it out.

Of course, some days you can’t tune it out. The lazy mornings you wake up to angry baby sound. The hot afternoons you enter a bedroom, get ready to watch TV and realize that there is a baby sleeping and you have to trace your steps in reverse to the door. The late nights when you go down to the living room and Carrington’s there, in the middle of the room because her mother is a cop and works the most ridiculous hours and Malda is willing to take Carrington in exchange for money. The cars pulling up to the same invisible parking spot and opening doors already unlocked and people desiring conversation with you when all you want is to believe they don’t notice you.

The weirder stuff. The neighbor [who once had her two sons in our care] but still insists on spying on us from her windows overlooking the backyard. Or the menagerie of toys collected over twenty years. There are two playrooms and a playground and still kids sleeping in my room. The time Jojo had a seizure. The most extensive Disney collection you have seen. The dog participates in nap time. All the money gets sent to Santo Domingo. Maybe it’s just the collection of little faces that I see every day of the business week from way to early in the morning to way too late at night. “This is my business,” Malda says, but don’t I live here too?

the properties of liquid helium

2009-03-02T22:20:00.004-05:00

writing a lot today. I guess that's because its my official day off to watch the movies I want to watch, to reread the books I want to read and do nothing direct to the birth of my newest projects but really I'm going to put the paper up for my drawing and I wrote my page and I'm going to cut out my model chicks from that second copy of vogue so I'm actually doing a lot.

I'm a firm believer in the mystical encounter. I say that instead of fateful first encounters because the mystical encounter doesn't need to be the first one. In fact, most of mine haven't been first encounters. However, they have always felt incredibly irrepeatable, unforgettable and fully necessary. Since the day Jen Waters said hi and don't give up, I found it again. That one interview with the guy who's name I don't even remember lets me see the beauty in the gestured line. I've been replaying a conversation full of stopbath chemicals woven into my hair. Or that time me and kt when to moca ga and krystle angus and paul were there along with someone who put together the exhibition who I had a really long conversation with.

[aflight] page 217?

2009-03-02T15:54:00.002-05:00

jammed with the collection of my lifetime, thus/far, has books whose spines ache from being open to the same point like being asked to bend over and touch your toes. The miniature dog ears perk up at the pages whose mental touch runs a line of electricity though them up your arm, so strong that every hair on the road from fingercap to skulltip stands on end with the static force.

Sentencing books, “like chasing a rainbow. Even worse, it was like chasing other people’s rainbows. Rainbows who beauty I didn’t really see.” Books that I really couldn’t write but could not put down. All those nights reading away the sleep, all those staircases eclipsed by pages, hours traded away for quotations like, “There was no understanding it.” As if the brain “produced a thing like calipers and got the dimensions back and front and every way, taking notes carefully,” carefully measuring every word of a specific page and paragraph, writing down the emotional charge and sometimes lightning is formed hot enough to fuse words to neurons.

My neurons had a few words to spit out too. I wrote hundreds of files lap-topically, slipped on files and passed them in the middle class. Labeled numerically up, three digitally of hopes and dreams and sometimes stored stories, poetry, written lyrically down sometimes what was playing out through the twin universe of my life. And if these symbols called letters and these groups called words and the varying levels of reflected and absorbed light come my way and are recorded by these rods and cones, that see color and shade, and that information that goes to my optic nerves are sent to my brain where

just do your job, just do your piece of it

2009-02-25T19:26:00.001-05:00

I'm not much of a video post but I love this talk

2009-02-25T19:12:00.003-05:00

2009-02-25T18:34:00.002-05:00

I had a dream about an old friend of mine who I probably won't talk to again for various reasons, but mostly because I dated his roommate. J gave me a box full of confections, cookies, candies, marshmallows; all laced with drugs. It was very much an alice in wonderland situation, I had no idea what would happen if I ate one. They looked really good, almost like they couldn't have been laced at all. I'm not sure why, but I did have one and then was in a video store wt kt & cata and they kept laughing at me. Later, my father took me home and I was thinking about how I would get rid of the box and it must have been that cookie because I said it aloud. How do you explain to your father that you have a box of sweets you can't share?

it was a weird dream and it freaked me out.

anyway, our next assignment for photo is to write page 217 of a 300 page autobiography. Then, after you write page 217, we have to interpret it photographically. It is a wonderfully creative assignment that makes me really happy to have connie as a teacher.

What is on page 217? I was thinking about assigning a algorithm to determine that point in my life according to memory and how much I'm willing to disclose. I came up with two really simple ones, determining my age at the time according to percentage and using the simple percentage of the time beginning from my earliest memories. Both equations give me the age of 15, which was probably some of the more interesting times of my high school life. However, how to show that photographically...

That was the time I really started writing alot. Writing files, emails, typing stories. I don't have much from what I've written from them, but I'm going to try and recover something so I can get a better idea of what I'm going to do for this project.

difficulties with this hypothesis

2009-02-12T21:17:00.005-05:00

My drawing is eating me out from the inside. It is a spider egg and its hatching and its eating and eating and leaving nothing but the silk lines of many spider baby ideas in my brain.

that's a horrible way to write about a drawing but its true. the mere fact that I'm writing about it and am too scared to actually draw it because I don't feel like I can be there for the drawing, like I can't be the most amazing drawer it needs....

well I'll explain it. I drew this drawing in freshman year and its very... intense. the lines are measured according to the width of the nose and double checked according to the amount of variations. there are like... fifty guide lines on it, super tiny, sharp and light. this is the drawing that made me discover that my face is incredibly asymmetrical like two halves that don't quite line up right. I thought I had lost this drawing.

I needed to see it again. I needed to see it so much I could only think about that and drawing dancing skeletons on the way home. I grabbed all of my drawings in my closet and there it was again. very, disappointing? It was very small seeming. I would change so much about it. I'm not sure if I would redraw it or add more paper and work with it. It needs to be drawn. Maybe I should do both. I think I'll take a closer look and see what it can teach me. I'm not sure.

lyrical

2009-02-02T17:34:00.003-05:00

"What is it about certain paintings, that they are able to get right under the skin?
Often they are the paintings which one would least expect to do so. How and why
do we find such intimacy with certain works? At times it feels as if they had been
painted specifically for oneself. They leave the mass and weight of art history
behind them and become an inexplicable part of one’s life."

I hereby, copy this quotation because it says everything I have to say.

I try to pick the right words to say to the sky

2009-01-29T18:27:00.002-05:00

today was close to lighting. Close enough you can see it flash across your face, but long enough to think and take it in a moment.

I woke up dreaming to my mother's screaming

and all I want to do is draw but all drawing is, is frustrating. a quotation to finish this thought,

"It’s sad the other side is true as well. My drawings are driven by fear. Transition from lines to droplets. I have a couple thousand to go, and I glad. That will keep me working. I need to work. I am attempting to get beyond my inner-clutter to find my form. My purge is taking forever. I am purging to clarify. I am purging to see. I am purging to validate. I am purging to run out. I walked around the house today debating how intensely I should keep track of how much time I use."

life drawing and erasing tina

2009-01-28T12:45:00.004-05:00

life drawing is a strange delight. the model, gets onstage and starts posing. paul walks around the class, giving comments, tending to skip me. actually, I found that if I just started erasing furiously, he would just walk on, appreciating that I was making choices and using the eraser. but now he'll just stand back and watch until I forget he is even behind me (which makes me kind of nervous to be an object of study)

Sometimes we turn our easels around to illustrate points that occur when we are hit with curveballs. that happens alot. like yesterday, when we were told we couldn't draw the outline.

keep in mind, that the lifedrawer loves the outline. and then they love shading the outline. or redrawing the outline, going over the same lines. paul likes the inlines. paul does not like the perfectly shaded drawing that is perfectly skewed and out of proportion. "Can we draw the inline touching the outline?" No! The model said it was like a light when on in the class. I drew the centerlines, the volume lines and the bones -- it was electric.

or paul will say, draw without drawing any angles, only horizontals, verticals and points of interest! "what?!"

or give us only thirty second to draw. I keep expected that one. lately its been long drawings.

I draw slower now, more precise, more deliberate, less electric, less confusing, less athletic. it changes if you want to see

measure before pleasure

2009-01-16T17:42:00.003-05:00

I was sitting on the stage, sharing it with the actor, barefoot bill.
he kept talking about himself, I think because, as "a professional naked person"
he doesn't get the chance to explain his thought process or maybe as an actor
words are recited not stirred, and partly too, to promote himself
and give me a card with a huge vein coursing through his
forehead of course.

Get ink

2009-01-09T00:33:00.002-05:00

I'm apprehensive about the coming semester.
And its hard to explain because I'm only taking two class and they are with really great teachers. Paul is the most intense and efficient drawing teacher ever possibly, and Connie makes photography seem less like pretentious people (oh those photo majors...) taking photos of shit they like and more like really engaging conceptual ideas.

Mostly though, I think its a fear of falling short of my ambition
-- which is a common thing I think, amongst most artists.
It never looks like what you imagine.
And generally I surprise myself, but sometimes
its hard to compete with what I have in my head.

All we have is metaphor

2008-12-26T22:05:00.003-05:00

Dip into my consciousness,
shrink back from the touch.
Moments lye obliterated
& corrosive thoughts call collect
as Jungians explore with path narc
haven dream speeches
on my analysis

esta noche inventaré una tregua

2008-11-28T19:40:00.001-05:00

we are so cautious
hunting in the snow, our hands preoccupied and icy
every cold touch seeps down into my bones
wrapping another layer
of a frail exoskeleton

so that when I \, I won't;
I can't see the distance
because that map you dictated
is missing every other word
does the trail end here?

I never looked at the path but
maybe we forgot something along the way
retrace our movements in retrograde
rewind the wolf snap
to flashing teeth in my face

minimum payment due

2008-11-21T14:50:00.002-05:00

every thought, movement, decision
is like surfing on the web with an over-enthusiastic firewall;
I'm pretending to not be able to pick a topic so as to further postpone my essay writing

if I got a phone call right now saying lets hang out
I would probably accept in out of a self-destructive kinda habit
That girl on the phone leaving voice mails is particularly distracting

being aware of all of this
what am I doing sitting here,
writing cities skyscrapers sideways?

Buy me, I'll change your life

2008-11-21T14:17:00.003-05:00

This is post painterly abstraction, just so you know[gene davis]. This doesn't usually get compared to the cold war. & If you want to understand postmodernist philosophy, its simple. Its dead. What we enjoy is just a rehash of the past. Nothing is new and everything has been done. Doing that is dead. My view on that... eh, I don't think that way of thinking helps achieve much. Things still excite me. Nam june paik, Barbara Kruger excites but she's old and I don't know. I think this is a failing argument so it will just end...

clicks on the phone

2008-11-18T00:20:00.002-05:00

when I can't escape the sensation that my personality is being erased with the intense desire to do everything perfectly, I feel like I remember myself best when I listen to music so intrinsically tied with blocking everything out but the dawn. A major neglect of some things is balanced with being overly concerned, obsessed or enthusiastic and I know that.

I'd apologize, but I have nothing to apologize for
& we keep making the same mistakes.

Akela's lecture today was on post-painterly abstraction and she mentioned briefly how some historians now put it in context with the cold war and it got to think alot about modernism in general and how it relates to postmodernism. Her class really explains a lot and almost plays up the radical creativity of all the artists and movements that came before me... its hard to not want to strive towards that, to be so historically important to everything that comes after...

anyway, essentially, what she was saying was the interpretation that you can't completely disconnect art from its cultural counterpart -- what artists are doing/do is a reflection of the times and emotional state. I mean, sure, we briefly consider the corrospondence between abstraction and the WWs, minorly appreciate growing globalism and barely consider our own oversaturated, technological inflitrated society today. Historically, what will today reflect on not only ourselves but our art?

but get her around a light bulb and she's doomed

2008-11-13T01:32:00.004-05:00

today all the pieces fell out of my head into my lap as I drove to atlanta. I couldn't get them back in time so I ended up driving for hours. I left you feeling like a general failure, but felt like an amazing girlfriend who will probably be an amazing wife. Class canceled crumbled me again so once I navigated myself through a french disaster to find five points of interest...

the path of least resistance is what makes the river crooked, serpentine

2008-11-13T01:30:00.001-05:00

I write this as an inauguration speech as a result of reviving daybreak and bringing it over to where the sky tips. I'm not a super fan of blogger but at least it auto saves. I've transferred all that I saved of daybreak before uber shut down and reposted it here meticulously. It hasn't been edited in anyway except for the fact that I lost all the italics [which was kinda important considering that italics marked every line I wrote in lyrics]. And if you didn't notice, the titles tend to be lyrics too, letting you know that I don't write them. Its just probably what I was listening to at the time. I'm glad its back.

I wanted to edit it, but its also kinda brutal from writing it like nobody read it and that brutality probably shouldn't be censored out of it.

The classic symptom of malaria is cyclical occurrence of sudden coldness

2008-09-13T15:09:00.000-04:00

I've been listening to old songs and it makes me want to say I'm sorry when I have nothing to apologize for. There is no quinine for this malaria that you are. The music makes me remember that time when I just invited myself in, as usual, and couldn't do anything but let it break upon me, like a wave upon the sand.

I really need to transfer to edgewood and live with kt and take public tran to school and just get out and be myself

saying one of these mornings I'm going away

2008-09-09T00:15:00.000-04:00

in a classic holy sh... moment, as I was hauling groceries out of the car, a honeydew melon slips out of a bag and goes bouncing down my hill. I was actually still on my driveway, but the grade of it was initially so steep that it would have scraped the hell out of any car that went up it, and was repaved. However, it still is quite the hillside, enough so that we can go snowboarding on it with only a few centimeters of snow.

so my melon bounces down the hill in its plastic produce bag, and I'm yelling, running after it, the rest of the groceries still in my hand and it rolls across the street, hits the curb, bounces back, keeps rolling before I catch. I can only imagine what it would have looked like on camera. I pick up my melon, inspect it and say thank god you are a resilient fruit, you didn't even catch a bruise.

I hear you cry out for your water, and I know you'll curse it someday

2008-08-29T02:32:00.000-04:00

I lost my original, but i'm frustrated enough to try again. the prose was better but

I'm taken aback
I watch thoughts slide underneath your face
leading to obtuse sentences
shoveled from the raw dirt of your mind.

nails fall from your mouth
piercing my skin and
hammering planks to this foundation
that is built on earthworms and glass

now I will try desperately
to erase this convoluted cyanotype
as our blueprints lead to empty space

[yeah no, its not about you. Its rarely is]

I watched the sun, watched it rise and fall, waiting for something to change

2008-08-26T04:32:00.000-04:00

Comme si.... I've made a decision in my mind already without consulting myself about it. I've made this decision and its going to lead me down a certain path and there isn't anything I can do about it. Except, I don't have to do any of it.

its a brutal result of the last few months. staring at the bathroom in a stranger's apartment with a bruised sense of myself and what I would do. I'm going to give this up and pretend like I'm going to draw when I'm really going to sleep. When I want to draw and not sleep.

its odd that when you relate with certain people you find yourself in places that become associated with them. and then when you no longer associate with them, those places still exist but you just avoid them. maybe I need to rewrite connotations because I feel like I'm driving by a NASA farm and seeing a field of spaceships...

where did you put all those letters?

2008-07-26T03:35:00.000-04:00

the answer came,
like a shot in the back
while you were running from your lesson,
which might explain why years later all you could remember was
the terror of the question + you weren't listening

I've got to figure out where I left my bravery, dedication... sheer jealousy and competitive drive. I'm left with patience, and I still have my curiosity spurning my education but I am overwhelmed with numbness.

I don't feel like I'm done with you
but I'd rather pass you off
then deal with myself
my last dream of you, you got mad
{because you are by nature frustrated},
in the middle of a poker game at some family member
[and I shouldn't have to meet them again in dreams]
angry to the point of pulling out the quill
and drawing a line of cocaine from your secrets
revealing yourself to me

It's not as if New York City burnt down to the ground once you drove away

2008-06-11T05:05:00.000-04:00

So lately I've realized that my recurrent nausea, lack of an appetite, general hunger is...
A. Psychosomatic.
B. Resulted in weight loss.
&C. Curable.

I just have to think about various guys who I'm only minorly interested in. D is pushing on me a friend of hers who she believes is "hotter than T.I." but he is... not very engaging. K wants me to spend my time with another (interestingly enough of the same name) who is beautiful but self depreciating and a raging pothead. My friends, told me they loved me and I just kind of think that is against the rules. I just kind of want to be single and living with K in the city, cooking dinner every night.

Ganja Queen

2008-06-01T05:58:00.000-04:00

so I'm pretty much gonna cut and paste, so ms.shernekau forgive my blatant plagiarism. I thought it was fascinating enough to justify it.

Convicted in 2005 of smuggling marijuana into Indonesia, the 30-year-old Australian is serving a 20-year sentence & left people asking: "Did she really do it? She doesn't look like how we would imagine a drug trafficker to look; she looks like the girl next door; in a country that imposes the death penalty on drug traffickers. Her defense team includes discussions about whether to try and use bribery to secure her release.

When asked by a customs officer to open her bodyboard bag, she did, revealing 9 pounds of marijuana. She says she did not know the drugs were there, but , under Indonesian law, she was required to show who was responsible to prove her innocence; an absolute impossibility for her to prove. The defense claimed the drugs were planted in her unlocked bag by corrupt Australian airport baggage handlers as part of a smuggling ring gone wrong.

Indonesia regularly ranks among the world's most corrupt countries, a problem its government is trying to overcome. It is a very close up and personal way just how awful it can be if you are caught up in a different legal system ... and to be under the scrutiny of the media spotlight

mimmofigliodellaportinaia

2008-05-19T06:46:00.000-04:00

lately, I don't paint, but I bake. a pasa tiempo if you will {keep in mind that I still can't put together a decent pie in any decent amount of time -- it always takes an entire day (and I've taken to complicated pastries that I don't really have the skill level to pull off completely yet. but I'm working on it) and that actually the last batch of cupcakes (god's gift to the world) I put together, completely failed to bake (probably due to my devious intentions) although since then I've tried to appeal to the patron saint of baking... although the patron saint of caramel didn't quite agree with me, well possibly I just need to relax...}

to cope with work, I sing. parole alate

catch calle 13 here,
http://www.megaupload.com/?d=0WKS35XA

Yo no me quedo en mi vida

2008-05-16T02:45:00.000-04:00

I have withdrawn. No one sees it, because I go to work with bigger smiles than ever. I feel more beautiful than I ever have in 19 years of my life. I talk , I laugh & I am happy to be alive.

but I sleep away the desire to set the score straight. I follow his example. ¿Cuantas veses me mordiste? ¿Y cuantas veses yo me fui? I haven't drawn or painted since everything happened and its like being dead. When did I lose the desire; how is it that I survive not making art?

I opened the fire door

2008-05-02T04:04:00.000-04:00

he was shifting in the darkness and I could barely see him, but I could feel his rage. His teeth are psychologically snapping at my face. how many times has he come after me? this is the third. my father was gone and my sister was behind me and I was the only thing standing between him ripping her to shreds. I looked at the bullet and then the lighter and knew I wouldn't be fast enough. Coiled muscle leaps and the dream shifts. I should be dead. I am dead. The wolf killed me and then I'm talking to James about it.

I've had this nightmare before. Its disrupted all my emotional restraint... I was so scared. So scared. I called you and you thought I was sick, took a while to realize "Are you genuinely upset?" Yes, I am upset and still am upset even though that was yesterday. I'm dealing with it. When life, body, mind feel like something's been rearranged...

have mercy, have mercy, have mercy on me

2008-04-29T19:54:00.000-04:00

sometimes everything seems to fall in place. sometimes everything seems to fall apart. sometimes everything seems to be doing both.

What I'm doing right now... in these dark hours of morn... finally seems to be work I can be proud of. I've certainly fried many brain cells (it seems that making art is just as hazardous to your health as doing drugs so... if you've ever wondered why I've never hit that blunt, but I digress). Anyway. Phototransfers. Its strange, because I haven't really been satisfied with what work I've done all throughout semester, and this last day, the last hour, it all comes together.

when it's over I will fall apart. pure exhastion. I'm so lost, and I want guidance, stablity. To stop feeling the need to run away and shut down. Craig always says the best art comes out of struggle, so maybe I've lost my grip on what's important. What will always be important when everything else is swept away. I don't look forward to the summer... everything has gone by too fast.

but most of all, I'm grateful to those who are with me.

Six Days At The Bottom Of The Ocean

2008-04-08T06:00:00.000-04:00

I think if you could see what I was thinking tonight you would swear I was on drugs. Probably the result of an overactive imagination, & watching a rotoscoped film on substance abuse... mostly I've just been thinking too much. Its like my personality awakes at the stroke of twelve [the glass slipper falls off]. loop, loop, loop, loop.....
Right now I feel good about my ability to pay for and to move out and to find a place if I land this job. I do not look forward to telling my mother about it. I do not want to worry about having to acquire another vehicle if they decide that they do not want to support me. I do not look forward to an hour drive to see my boyfriend if I move. I just... want to not have to worry about it.

sticky hands

2008-03-25T01:42:00.000-04:00

Twenty two days later and I'm doing some risky ass muthafucking crazy shit. I've got a taste of adrenaline and need to quit. I'm in this and I don't know if I'm out or I'm in in in in I'm in....

light splifs till we high as light bills

2008-03-02T09:37:00.000-05:00

its been a while since I've had a conversation so easy like that.

awaking up all night and asleeping to daybreak.... its just never really a good situation to be in emotionally. there is something innately desperate about it.

this last year has meant putting myself in situations that I wouldn't have dream of and waking up in places most unlike this one that I've spent the last four years in. I just want to be back in those days when sunsets lit my entire room on fire. Back when I faced the west and it stared into my face without a flinch. just wanna go back. dead sleep is such a pleasant memory -- which is not to say I'm not enjoying myself now, but I can feel the shift coming on and everything going into a higher gear. I've always felt that driving seems to require the will to live. It would be so easy to die, to kill yourself. un cambio de vida

the complicated ruin that was high school and the relationships that light and burn like phoenixes from it interest me. This relationship of elizabeth parrish and andrew whatever his last name seems very... almost ironic. I'm not judging, I'm trying not to judge...I'm too young to see beyond this life. too young to see beyond a few months. and I pretty sure I can't see that very well. all I know is that there are some moments that are so sharp they cut the skin of old memory and emerge everclear.

want to hold open their eye lids

2008-02-25T06:11:00.000-05:00

Another day with myself
Another day without wealth
There's gotta be another way I need help
And so I pray like I'm a Pentecostal, Sufi, Buddhist, strict agnostic
Hoping one will hit its target

The doomsday vault is to be inaugurated tomorrow. I've known its been in the works for a while now, but if one day angels descended on this world to find everything gone, it seems like an odd thought that they would be able to rebuild a garden of right now what we have to grow. That just sorta seems how its gonna play out.

I keep getting knocked out of feeling like who I imagine myself to be and into the person someone with my name and with my face living in my bed.

zambulle llorona

2008-02-23T05:27:00.000-05:00

the fog tonight made me reconsider my idea of hell. I thought it was more like heavy rainfall and severe weather warnings while driving down 75 listening to what sounds like sleet but really is the beginning of a track. Watching people drive with hazards on. but the fog changed all that.

I feel like I'm writing the beginning of a trashy zombie novel.

The World Health Organization states that demand breastfeeding is more than 98% effective as a contraceptive in the first six months postpartum. This effect is said to be responsible for the natural spacing of children seen in countries where contraception is not widely available, and is thought to be an evolutionary means of ensuring adequate care is provided to each newborn.

it is February as I consider splashing black ink over every thought in my mind, I write [ride] though myocardial infarction, drowning, blacking out -- ink everywhere. Together burns in the spring.

that's 90 million I-don't-care-how-many-records-you-sell

2008-02-16T08:11:00.000-05:00

a little blurry, but that works. that's the way life is, the way a sunset is, the way taking a picture from a car is. the way I am.

I don't know if I've documented this, but I've felt this before and Matthew has a real thought out dictation about this that I've heard a few times. Your body has a definite voice. It tells you shit. Tells you No, you don't really want to draw for four hours. In fact, if I sit down to draw for a really long time and really concentrate, I will get hungry. Even if I've just ate. This is my body trying to sabotage me.

My mind tries to sabotage me as well. It doesn't let me sleep. It lets me sleep till three in the afternoon.

Mental and not so mental Nicknames for favorite peoples:
Mac AB, DD, Other half, Ken-man, Fake Ken, Elodie, Glorious, Yo Vaan, aRon, dSki, KT, Lars, Chaos, Twitch

no coma tonight

2008-02-14T20:52:00.000-05:00

Technical stuff ensues. May not really make sense. will look super cool.

What I have in my head are a series of prints involving trsansfers, stencils & multiple drop monotypes. The transfers are going to be mechanical insides of this institution, which are suprisingly easy enough to get to, and text(reversed) in a way that people will be compelled to actually look and read. I'm going to make reverse stencils of sillouettes(women mostly) so that I can roll up subtractive monotypes and use it as a guideline for additives. I think there might also be animals as an extra symbolic element.

Wildcat

2008-02-09T05:52:00.000-05:00

the [art] show with Katie/ thematically is about relationships. Its more her thing and I'm kind of thinking about a variation of it. I've grown up in a way thats made me make a lot of friendships only to break them. To move away and grow up past them. That's the life of an army brat but lately I've broken quite a few on my own. I don't have a single childhood friend left. I'm quite the flake.

And these people, these people who I knew, aren't really my friends anymore. They aren't really interested in what is going on in my life, in my mind/ its all just politeness. I am not decieved. Its the usual rotation. Love lifes, its all the same. just more of a rarity. just more missed. Most of them, we aren't really friends anymore. It would be beautiful in a piece of art wouldn't it?

I also am really itching to do a double self portrait

I Never Felt So Wicked As When I Willed Our Love to Die

2008-02-07T04:56:00.000-05:00

as I laid there, afterwards, looking up and everything so molten and nostalgic, I didn't want to forget it. it reminded me of the days when the sunset's light would bubble over like a volcanic explosion around me. We are driving around in truck and the sky is sliding rainbows and I was your silver lining but now I'm gold...

Everything I've been thinking about (visually) is very... psychedelic. acid. but a lot of black and white and transfer in my thoughts as well. With the crash of my computer came the loss of everything I had written and all the links I had accumulated. There is something very specific that I have mind as a reference, 60's-ish vector art, some Scandinavian dude? Do you remember that link I sent you once?

When you are living in a dream world everything is so incredibly exciting and I'm so ridiculously happy. Its kind of weird because maybe four days ago... I was miserable. I sort of decided not to listen the advice everyone had given me [which was all the same, forget about him and move on] and realized that if the thought of not calling was causing me anxiety, then I would just call.

I did and I saw him and I feel better, but not necessarily because of him... its more because he doesn't bother me anymore. I was feeling better before I called. Not that I've forgotten about him, because I'd be lying if I wrote that but I know what our relationship is without any self-deception.

I don't sleep because I have too much rattling around in my head -- planning to put together a body of work to show at Eyedrum with Katie [which just sounds like the most exciting thing to ever plan to do], moving out [with Katie], making art, making sound, thinking about making video, smiling...

take a sip, don't be shy, tonight I wanna be your lady

2008-01-28T04:24:00.000-05:00

I thought I wrote a spill about being an ice queen again. maybe I wrote too soon. maybe I didn't write it at all.

its all about killing hope you see... if you can separate yourself from any real hope and instead comfort yourself with more consoling thoughts as there is no going back, so there is only one path to travel. However, if you start believing , hoping for something better, happier, the non-path will melt any sense out of you.

I'm in the process of squashing my hope, once again.

Through life with hate and spite inside her mind
That keep her up to the break of light a lot of times
I gotta find myself, I gotta find myself, I gotta find myself
She had to remind herself

core of cold air

2008-01-22T04:32:00.000-05:00

I watched tarnation. finally. the av cable had escaped me, but I found it where I left thoughts of it last.

it was incredible. it was the most incredible movie....more than anything I've ever seen in my life. the part that made me watch with no choice of going back was when he flashed that he took the two joints home and smoked them consequentially[?]. Later it was revealed that the joints had been laced with pcp and dipped in formaldehyde.

I've been recording and cutting sound for class. Really excited about it. I want to know what craig things of it. I think I should be recording something other than newscasts for class... I'm not sure about it yet. maybe go through everything again with a different filter. make a video. I forgot about it, but now I remember that I need to make a video for a rat's nest.

I miss you. I want to stop missing you. go away. I'm waiting for you to call me. You will never call. I think about when I last saw you. You said I didn't look okay. I still don't feel okay. go away. its so easy. everyone deals with this right? I'm not being too obsessive?

I saw a flash of the sunset that looked like molten pink swirled around, [cotton candy style] and half a minute later it was gone. the OM is really good with color. eric, I'll give it back eventually. I wasn't going to tell you, but all I had to do was replace the battery to make it work. its really complicated. I'm still not completely sure about all the settings.

Respite

2008-01-09T00:47:00.000-05:00

I cannot pretend. I seem to overwhelmingly reject common sense and course of action. Still, I'm not sure yesterday was a mistake. It was... how I felt. It's been written down. Is it that important what happened? It is inconsistent with the information that I've been given for the last 13 days? I can't erase how beautiful////

mired in my desert plain, alone in kyoto/ it fills me, every full melodic drop quenches my drought. sakura bloom fast and die fast, hopes and desires wash away with cold air.

here's to hoping I won't be forgotten

2008-01-02T18:07:00.000-05:00

I've said this to myself many times but today I'll say it to a keyboard. My goal in life is not be happy. I don't think most people would choose that route. Its not to say that I don't want to be happy or that I am aversive to being happy and I think my happiness is a problem that will generally solve itself; but it is to say that I don't want to simply be content with happiness and no accomplishments. To be honest, when I am told my paintings are beautiful it isn't that much of a compliment. It makes me feel like I am standing still. Should I settle for beauty?... that's what it feel like.

probably one of the best compliments i've gotten are "It looks very crude" "she painted it very fast and didn't care whether it looked like a piece of toast and came out looking like the best piece of toast ever!"

Paintings have problems when you begin them. Paint what? Paint how? Is there some grand message or will you go about it procedurally for the sake of media or is this painting going to be a test of techniques. I often feel very intimidated by Warhol and Rothko and all the really great descriptions of paintings that make them sound like the most sublime thing ever when really.... its just a painting. I don't paint because of what it will end up looking like, I paint because the process of painting demands only that I look and think and do and nothing more beyond that.

miss the x

2007-12-31T21:07:00.000-05:00

this is a way of mediating my illness [muteness]

it becomes a mistake when you forget to dot the line at the x and goosebumps betray me everytime. it is where you find me.

2007-08-17T03:01:00.000-04:00

a new painting, perhaps born a hour ago stands across from me and I keep looking at it hoping to find a shred of virtue in it. Its the colour of dirty skin, drying blood, chalky talc, day old eyeliner. Made up mostly of handprints. I keep thinking about aboriginal art when I look at my recent paintings, so perhaps that survey of world art history infected my mind? I guess this means I should probably move down under when I get the chance.

Narratives seem completely irrelevant for me. I've never been that much of a fan of them to begin with and it doesn't work for me, I simply don't think that way. but I always feel that this compulsion is a little extreme, but I can't help it.

When I lay it out though, all my recents, it makes a great deal of sense. They give off a lot of power and strength, and I really do need to compile them all together.